Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
