the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
