fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
