I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
