Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
