I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
