She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
