hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
