I'm so fucking centered right now
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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