Non-Jews are for practice
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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