My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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