i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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