did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
