what day is it and did you see me today?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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