if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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