So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
