Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
