Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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