I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
