forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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