I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
