i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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