A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
