I could make wine with my vomit
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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