hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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