dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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