Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
