I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
