college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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