So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
