I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
