This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
We had to coat check the pizza.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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