I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
