Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
whose parrot is this?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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