Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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