Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize