I just saw a hot homeless man
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
