i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
