I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
