I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
His hands were made for my vagina.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
