if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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