Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
