My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
