May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
