i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
