I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
