I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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