Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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