I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
