there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
