Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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